In psychology, according to Author Nas Montell, there are various types of shame we encounter in our day to day life. These include;
1. Exposure – Based Shame
2. Belonging – Based Shame
3. Guilt – Based Shame
4. Competence – Based Shame.
1. Competence -Based Shame.
This comes from falling short of expectations. (This term might seem familiar if you had a teacher like me. )
These might be self expectations or other’s (parent’s, society, peers etc) expectations.
For instance; a relationship break-up, failing to graduate or secure employment. Being unsuccessfully in life etc.Â
2. Belonging Based Shame.
This might be an existential threat ie; comes from an ancestral script. As humans, we are wired for social connections and one of the ways we seek to satisfy this need is through belonging.
Being exiled in our ancestral tribe meant death, lack of food and sex. This is why we are deeply afraid of rejection because it feels like being excluded/rejected.
The Belonging Based shame is felt when one feels rejected or no longer part of an ingroup. This might be; not being invited to an event, feeling an outsider in an environment eg; new work place. Being fired from a Job or realizing you no longer fit in a certain social clique.
Sometimes however, shame comes from association with a minority or shamed group. Eg; ethnic minority, stigmatized groups, belonging to a losing team or school or environment regarded shameful or that considered low status in community for instance; Poor, The Unmarried (for some cultures) etc. One experiences shame as a result of their membership to a specific group.
Equally we might feel a vicarious shame through association ie; coming from member of our Ingroup eg; family members of people with mental or drug/alcohol problems experiencing shame, kid feel shame for their Parents’ mistakes and failures or individual feeling shame for the mistake by his favorite candidate or lover.
Equally, Rank, status, dominance in a group can lead to shame. According to the Social ranking theory (Gilbert & McGuire, 1998; Gilbert, 2000), individuals may feel shame based on their perceived social status/rank or in unwanted subordinate positon eg ,; Physical attributes like body size , color etc or personality traits like boring or dishonest or timid. Comparison might also lead to this for there’s no shame to be experienced here without an audience.
3. Exposure Based Shame which is the most common, comes from unwanted exposure such as one’s privacy being violated like Revealing one’s private life or secrets or being walked in while changing clothes.
Equally, it’s felt when our flaws are revealed to others for instance public embarrassment out of a mistake eg when giving a speech. Or being shamed infront of family.
4. Guilt – Based Shame.
Another common one comes from identifying with an event or behaviour or action that arouses guilt.
Guilt is this feeling that what we did is bad. It’s directed to a behaviour/action ie; This is Bad. This is wrong ! This is not good.
However, sometimes we assimilate it into our identity when we internalize it as a sense of who we are or our overall character.
Instead of acknowledging actions or behaviours for being bad eg; Breaking a Moral code, Cheating on a Partner etc, You label yourself as a bad person. Let’s call this Identification with External Actions/Behaviours..