Definition of Shame.
English Dictionary; The English man defines shame as feeling or sense of unworthiness, inadequacy, impropriety or dishonor one might have about himself following an experience.
So in shame, we find a feeling of inadequacy, unworthiness or inferiority.
Shame says; Something is wrong with me.
Shame says; I’m bad for this.
Shame says; I think I’m unworthy of this eg; love , success etc.
Shame says; I’m flawed.
Shame says; I’m less than ,, I’m inadequate.
Shame says ; I’m inferior. I’m low value.
We talk less about shame, maybe most psychological experts aren’t interested in it or they’re ashamed of shame itself.
You know people rarely talk about for instance; their shameful experiences. They also never reveal it when they feel shame. It’s easier to say ” I feel angry right now” than it’s to say “I’m shamed”
We are ashamed of our own shame let’s repeat this again.
We are also ashamed of traits that cause us shame.
We are also ashamed of aspects of our life that cause us shame.
Most people confuse shame for guilt. Well the two interlude especially when an action or something considered wrong happens. The disconnect however arises based on the role of the self ie; In guilt, one points the blame to the behaviour , that is, ‘this is bad’… In shame however, it’s directed to an individual ie; I’m bad.
This means that an incident that may arouse guilt in one individual may cause shame in another depending on the lens of their evaluation.
A partner might feel shame for cheating on the other half.
A student might feel shame for failing in an exam.
An individual might feel ashamed for making an error while giving a public speech.
One might feel shame for doing something wrong eg disrespecting an elder.
All these. Experiences might similarly evoke feelings of guilt in another individual. The difference is that the later will attribute them to behaviours without identifying themselves with them.
Shame belongs to a class of emotions referred to as ‘Self conscious ‘ emotions eg; Embarrassment, envy, guilt and pride. Unlike basic emotions like anger and fear which are biologically wired in us, Self conscious emotions develop later at around age 3 after we have developed a sense of self (ego) and began to internalize rules and standards according to experts. (Gilbert, 2000).
While shame based behaviours and responses differ depending on an individual, some of the commonly agreed are the ; avoidance of eye gaze, shrinking one’s voice or a collapsed posture.
Worth noting that shame can arise from an internal experience ie; feeling shame and an external experience ie; being shamed.