Introspecting back at my formative years, I remember growing up as a shy Teenager or let me phrase it this way;
I use to believe I was shy (since it’s an artificial personality).
This identity became an invisible mental cage that would see me act that way even in face of strangers who barely knew me. I was tried to act confidently but found it hard or sometimes rationalize my actions but now I can clearly state it was shyness.
But then one day I questioned why despite even moving to an environment where no one knew me I found it hard to act confidently. It’s like I was walking around tagged on my face “I’m shy” that everyone knew.
I felt like everyone would realize I was acting against what I already believed in.
First I realized a Phrase, Cognitive Dissonance, by Leon Festinger. That acting against beliefs causes a Mental discomfort. So the threat wasn’t outside there , it was within.
Second, is the status quo bias. Our brains love consistency and want the story or identity to keep on going. Like an identity death feels like personal death.
Third, is the very fear of Judgement. I had this phenomenon which those wiser to us refer to as The Spotlight Effect. That everyone was judging me. Ironically people are also busy concerned how they’re perceived by others includinge.
The other aspect of Judgement was the belief that if I stepped outside my role and acted confidently, people would notice I’m faking it ie; this isn’t me.
Consider this; A shy person (individual who believes he/she’s shy because it’s just a Belief) goes to a strange village or town but is afraid of unleashing his/her confidence side due to fear of judgement from strangers who don’t even know they’re shy.
On the first problem, I found a tool which I have been using since then, let’s call it the ‘As if ‘ Principle. Pioneered by William James, the tool is a reversal technique for cognitive dissonance. Since our minds can’t tolerate a mismatch between actions and beliefs we shall force it to adjust the beliefs by acting the way we want.
Robert Greene is probably one modern thinker who has embraced this Body- Mind change philosophy. For instance, we Force ourselves to act confidently. Well you will feel the cognitive dissonance but you have to go through it. Like you have to go through the dissonance.
So in our case; Acting confidently makes our brain to produce the corresponding feelings and to match. If repeatedly done again and again, it becomes a habit which is more of belief.
On the Second problem of the mere exposure effect. I realized that people were so much concerned about their own issues than mine. And if any , they judged based on appearances. Let’s call this the Appearance Bias as Robert Greene calls it. If you presented yourself as Confident, they would take you as a confident person. If you acted timidly, they would take you as a timid person.
On the third problem which is also related to fear of judgement (And this is where our title comes from).
We come with a technique we shall call The Invisible Tribe Technique.. well Nas Montell what are you up for now?
Most people especially, strangers have no personal history of us.. We’re like new books to them. And as we know humans crave certainity. When we meet someone dressing or acting a certain way, we always assume that the version of them they are presenting is true. Well this how we get into Narcissistic relationships. Especially when the behaviours are expressed with strong convictions.
Not only that, people unconsciously believe that other people in a person’s life are probably comfortable with the way they present themselves for if they were not then they would have earned a social punishment and maybe stopped.
If someone acts defeated, they assume he/she has been defeated before and easily defeateable even. The same if someone acts like a king. I mean there’s an invisible tribe that backs an individual’s conduct in the eyes of strangers.
The kind of ; “he wouldn’t be able to speak with that much certainty unless a whole lot of other people have been totally okay with it. They would have gotten negative feedback a long time ago if their behavior wasn’t acceptable to others and stopped”
•When we meet a powerful, kind, confident leader, we assume they are well-respected and that they’ve been this way their whole lives.
• If you show no historical scars of social rejection, the world assumes you are historically approved. Your presence overrides their skepticism.
•When someone around us speaks or behaves with more certainty than we are, then we assume they couldn’t have lived their life safely unless everyone was totally okay with this behavior. They wouldn’t be able to speak with that much certainty unless a whole lot of other people have been totally okay with it.
•They would have gotten negative feedback a long time ago if their behavior wasn’t acceptable to others and stopped.
•The same applies to how others perceive us. If we act timidly, People assume that’s how we’ve been in our whole lives the same way they would take our confidence for truth and assume that people in our lives have been comfortable with our mannerism.
What am I trying to communicate here;
We have a weight of many invisible others in the eyes of strangers.
Even in a room alone with ONE person, we have the weight of the tribe behind us because so many people live their lives and behave a certain way based on social feedback.
If you behave confidently, and maintain that behavior, then it is assumed that thousands of people have already gone along with it.
So do it… Confidently and with certainty.
Get out of the comfort zone.. comfortably without hesitation.
Raise your voice a little bit… Confidently and with authority.
Dance … Elegantly without fear.
Your level of confidence is backed by the weight of five thousand people.
DON’T FORGET THAT!
Reference ListÂ
Adler, A. (1956). The “as if” principle. In H. L. Ansbacher & R. R. Ansbacher (Eds.), The individual psychology of Alfred Adler. Harper Torchbooks. (Original work published 1913)
Cialdini, R. B. (1984). Influence: The psychology of persuasion.
Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.
Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one’s own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Greene, R. (2018). The laws of human nature. Penguin Books.
James, W. (1890). The principles of psychology (Vol. 1, pp. 291–401).