The lost child is an archetypal name of this type of kid raised in a dysfunctional family that made him/her feel invisible, unworthy or a burden believing that their needs didn’t matter, presence didn’t matter and their voice didn’t count.
Expressing emotions or needs would earn them a negative attention so they learnt to supress them and become the easy ones.
Infact the coping mechanism they developed had them praised for being Good, easy children. You ever parents who always said ; “He’s such a good kid he never disturbs others like this one.” “She never cries that’s why I love her”. Dear Parent! Crying is a mean of communication from a kid to a parent not stubbornness. They’re expressing a need. So in short such parents give us an inage that “Showing needs means being a burden “.
To cope, the Lost invisible child developed some Behavioural coping mechanism, formed beliefs and Emotional Associations around their needs and other’s and expectations.
The collection of all data (memories) of beliefs, emotional associations, behavioural scripts and Expectations around such an environment by the archetypal character in question is what we shall refer to as The Lost Child Complex… What others would refer to as ‘The Invisible Child Complex or syndrome.
Effects of the Lost Child Complex.
•The lost child developed various coping mechanism which are carried into adulthood for instance; Being the quiet kid who never make demands, ask for help or express strong opinions to avoid causing trouble or negative attention.
• Equally, The Lost Child Complex makes one find it hard to assert their boundaries and even feel guilty for having strong opinions.
• Being self reliant to avoid problems. They value independence.
• Always feeling like a burden to others or the universe. Ie; their presence and needs are a burden to others.
• Sabotages Career and Personal goals to stay invisible and avoid scrutiny.
• Escape to the inner world creating fantasies of being rescued or escaping from home or escaping reality.
• They may also become dismissive of others needs and demands, especially their kids, since expressing it triggers their original wounding.
• They may prioritize other’s needs over their needs.
• Believing the world or pthers are against them ie; having a victim complex.
• There’s profound loneliness you mask as a false sense of independence.
Causes to The Lost Child Complex.
We live in a society that is obsessed with symptoms but as great writings claim; Every effect has a cause and every Cause an effect..
1.. Childhood Abuse- Physical, emotional or social abuse that made them feel like a burden or internalized truths such as ‘i don’t matter’
2. Negative Experiences not just in childhood but in adulthood that accumulate to the basket. These might be betrayal, Rejection, Critiscism or humiliation that cause them a deep shame. For instance being dismissed by romantic partner or Boss.
3. Societal Conditioning that made them internalize the shoulds and should nots eg; Kids must only listen not be heared.
4. Cognitive Distortions. Sometimes it wasn’t about the experiences but our interpretation. For instance; Personalization where we believed everything was about us instead of viewing at from the len that the parents were wounded. Overgeneralization where we expect the world to treat us the way our parents treated us. Identification where we label ourselves through our experiences eg; I’m unworthy of love or my needs don’t matter instead of this has been dismissed. Well we were young ! We can forgive ourselves.
5. Desire for Safety (fear of punishment) and Desire for rewards
How to Manage The Lost Child Complex.
1. Awareness- Ghost weaken when we expose them to sunlight.
2. Change of perspective – It was not about us but them and their own woundings, Your needs matter, Your voice counts.
3. Self Compassion. Forgive yourself. Forgive them.
4. Recall back the forgotten Parts- the Voice, the expressive side, the explorer side, the stubborn side yes be stubborn and demand what you need.
5. Memory Reconsolidation – Assign new meanings to the memory you have around this complex with the new adult perspective.