Behavioural expert, Charles Hughes, developed what he termed as a Childhood Development Triangle which he stated, showcased the route cause of our adult behaviours stemming from Childhood.
Hughes believed that most of our behaviours were formed in our childhood especially around age 8-9 yrs old.
These behavioural patterns were centered around three themes;
1. Behaviours that made us earn or keep friends.
2. Behaviours that kept us safe.
3. Behaviours that earned us rewards.
In the first instance, one common behavioural pattern was conforming to what our friends were doing ie; to fit in. Being funny might be another one or helping them.
For safety, it might have been eating or being loud and aggressive incase one was bullied.. or shrinking oneself to remain small if that kept them safe or being Hypervigilant incase one was raised by unpredictable or harsh parents.
Behaviours that also earned rewards such as Praise, affection, love or attention equally count in adulthood. The young kid who was only rewarded with affection when working or being significant eg; getting grades at school becomes the adult who seeks out external achievements such as wealth, cars etc in hope to be loved again. .
We can therefore say, behaviours displayed in adulthood might be a form of regression to what worked in childhood.
It’s as if one unconciously (without awareness) believes ‘If it worked in childhood, it will definitely work in adulthood.’
If by working or being significant or sacrificing myself for others or people pleasing earned me praise then they would definitely earn me in adulthood.
If remaining small or shrinking my voice kept me safe in childhood then I will remain being an underdog to ensure my safety.
If teachers and Parents praised me for my grades then I should seek external achievements to earn praise and affection ie; if love was unconditional in childhood then one expects it to be conditional.
The Invisible Contracts.
From the above theory, we can then conclude that most adults are being dictated by contracts they signed to themselves or their parents or whoever to keep themselves safe, earn approval and avoid punishment.
Contracts that were signed in little voices..
While they might be invisible, we’re still obedient to the roles we signed up for in childhood. The peacemaker, The People pleaser, The Perfectionists, The Good boy, The Over-Explainer, the funny guy, the conformist name them…
The young child asked to shut up at a dinner table shuts down during an argument with her spouse or swallows his opinion during a meeting.
If being misunderstood meant punishment, overexplaining might be a defense mechanism adopted to keep oneself safe – a pattern carried into adulthood.
Case examples;
John was raised by harsh authoritative parents. Anytime there was an argument at home or he was found with a mistake, attempts to speak up for himself would be met by ‘Shut up’. John would shut up anytime he wanted to voice something that mattered to him.
In adulthood, John feels guilty for asserting his needs or boundaries. In staff meetings at his work place, John always stops himself from voicing a burning opinion. John is an adult but is without awareness still obidient to a contract he had signed in childhood;
‘I will shrink my voice if that’s what keeps me safe’
In short;
We might be adults still performing roles we signed up for before we even knew what was happening. They kept us safe, earned us acceptance in group and even rewards like Praise, Affection or love. But no more.
We’re still following the script.
But the audience is gone.
The audience is long gone yet we’re still performing awaiting for applause?
Now is the time to resign and let go off the contracts that we signed up for.
You no longer need to overexplain yourself.
You no longer need to shrink yourself or keep yourself small to make others feel comfortable.
You no longer need to prioritize other’s needs over your own.
You no longer need to conform just to fit in and be accepted at the cost of your own authenticity.
Now is the time to resign!
And the good thing is that it’s priceless, you don’t need permission even.