In 1946, the Brooklyn Dodger manager Leo Durocher while referring to Dodgers rivals New york Giants, who were second last in the league claimed ” The Nice guys are all over there ,in seventh Place” a phrase that has been extracted, pasted and recruited into the realm of romance.
In seduction and Romance they say “The nice guys finish last” . Whether it’s true or not remains a question to be pondered over.
What’s the definition of the Nice Guys?Â
In Literal sense, the nice guy refers to the type of man who is overtly compassionate, vulnerable, agreeable and gentle. One who put other’s needs before his own, avoid confrontations , does favors, provide emotional support and tries to avoid trouble.
But the definition above will spoil our Party so we have to opt for another one. Maybe the gentle and Compassionate man refers to a Gentleman, or so, I think.
Robert Glover came up with the phrase the Nice guy syndrome, where he referred to an obsession of pleasing women just to get attention or sexual favors.
The type described above have a sense of entitlement in that they believe, they should be Validated, or rewarded just for being nice and would probably feel anger when the love is not reprociated or they’re placed in the friends zone.
It’s common sense therefore that the niceness or agreeableness is just but a bait to acquire or attain their self interest. It’s a form of control but decorated under, masked with and disguised as love and niceness. It’s a form of power.
The Great Carl Jung once claimed;
“Where there is love there’s no will to powerÂ
and where there is a will to power there is no love”
The Gentleman does it from a genuine point, the nice guy does it from an inauthentic point.
The Gentleman does it for Empathetic reasons, the Nice guy does it for narcissistic reasons.
The Gentleman does it for his lover’s sake, the Nice guy does it for his own sake.
The Gentleman’s actions are rewarding, the Nice guy’s actions are transactional.
The Gentleman is authentic and real, the nice guy is wearing a mask.
Do women love the Nice guy as they claim ?
A research conducted in 1985 (Sadalla, Kenrick and Venshure) found out that most women were sexually attracted to the nice guys for romantic relationships but never considered them as casual sexual partners.
In 1999, Herold and Milhausen conducted a similar qualitative analysis where they found that women associated the nice guys with being boring and unassertive.
The report could further reveal that women claimed they wanted them but never chose them in real life.
Going by Sadalla’s report, is this why the nice guys finish last? Maybe women consider them after their casual sexual exploit.
As we know, there’s a disconnect between what women claim to want and choose in real life…
It remains a mystery . Not even Freud after 30 years study into the feminine soul would answer that.
The great question that has never been answered , and which I have not yet been able to answer , despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul , is What does a woman want?
~ Sigmund Freud
It’s equally worth noting that Women’s desires are driven by different factors ie; Either Lust (estrogen), romantic attraction (Dopamine) or attachments (oxytocin). The later might what could give the nice guys (or so gentlemen) a leverage.
Whatever the definition of the nice guy is. So what’s the danger of being too nice?
The Dangers of Being too Nice
• It’s signals neediness. When you show that you need more from the other person that’s neediness… And it repels.
• It shows one is insecure. People who are overtly nice do it our of fear of rejection or desire for external validation all which aren’t qualities found in an individual with a strong self worth.
• It Can be Manipulative. Sometimes people do act nicely to disarm their victims before later turning into demons. Such traits have been demonstrated in Narcissists especially during the early stages of dating. Immediately after the honey moon phase is over, the idealizing partners later becomes the devaluating partner.
• It’s a Form of Control. Love and self sacrifice can be a form of control to create dependency. This they mostly achieve by isolating their partners from their normal circle.
• It changes the dating dynamics – Being too nice was highly rewarded in childhood by our mothers but we don’t need to recreate them in adulthood. Also, women need partners who see them as equal not beings to be worshipped like mothers or pampered like kids.
• It’s Insincere – Nice guys as we know are self absorbed individuals. Their actions stem not from genuine desires but as Robert Glovers states – Covert contracts with a hidden debt inside. A kind of love that prompts a rage when not reprociated wasn’t genuine from the start.
• Being too Nice makes relationships predicable and Monotous. Romantic relationships are highly triggered by Novelty and unpredictability. When one is too nice, too predictable, too banal the intrigue collapses. In Romance we crave danger and unpredictability, not comfort and safety.
Citations; Komrade Montell. (2026, April 14). The nice guy syndrome. Mental Theme University. (www.mentaltheme.com)
Email; mentaltheme2025@gmail.com
PayPal support; mentaltheme2025@gmail.com
References
1. Dr Robert Glover (2005). No More Mr. Nice Guy.
2. Herold, E. S.; Milhausen, R. (1999). “Dating preferences of university women: An analysis of the nice guy stereotype”. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy
3. Jones, E. (1955). Sigmund Freud: Life and work (Vol. 2). Basic Books.
4. McDaniel, A. K. (2005). “Young Women’s Dating Behavior: Why/Why Not Date a Nice Guy?”. Sex Roles.
5. Sadalla, E. K.; Kenrick, D. T.; Venshure, B. (1987). “Dominance and heterosexual
attraction”. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.