We all have had past moments that were genuinely hurtful and painful. We have been in situations where we were victims to certain actions of injustice, betrayal or abuse.
There are also people around us who have suffered from the same fate in the past while some are currently in such situations – They need our compassion and empathy. We are obligated to empathize with such types.
But sometimes, this sense of Victim hood based on what happened in the past can be used as a mask to conceal insecurities, avoid accountability & responsibility and maybe even used to manipulate us into roles we are not willing to assume such as the Caregiver or Attention giver or sympathizer or even the Scapegoat for someone’s else problems.
Call it Victim Mentality.
Victim Complexes are a set of beliefs, traits and feelings that underlie this theme of Victimhood.
One with a victim mentality/ complex assumes the underdog identity of being helpless, powerless, unworthy or unlucky.
It probably stems from Childhood neglect, Traumas and Betrayal or Insecurities such as lack of confidence, fear of failure and feelings of inadequacy.
Such types always have someone to blame for their mysteries… It might be the government, parents, Childhood, Partner, Children, Immigrants, the Boss, The World, They System or even Satan. Other factors but them. While it can offer relief to them , of course it’s painful to look at our mistakes and assume responsibility, in the long run it prevents one from growth.
Such type never look themselves in the mirror to notice their own flaws or how their behaviours cause to what is happening in their life.
They are used to complaining and whining and as we know our brain works hard to confirm what we belief and feel hence draw them to situations that matches their very whining thoughts. This might be an individual who always sabotage his efforts, Chooses wrong partners again and again and always focuses on the bad things happening in their lives and world.
Infact the sabotaging factor comes out of the Fear of unknown. Success and Growth feels foreign to them hence the need to remain in the familiar prison of suffering. Maybe winning will also strive them off their most cherished reward – Sympathy.
And here we come to another driving force- their constant need for sympathy. Addiction to behaviours that earns one sympathy can feel like an addiction to any other behaviour like taking cocaine. Sympathy means to them they’re being taken care of.. and who doesn’t want to be taken care of? They will always share and retell bad stories that happened to them.. they will always be drawn to sad situations… They always feel like they’re entitled to sympathy from others. Ironically, they may struggle with empathizing with others.
I know will be accused of Victim Blaming – whatever the term means but remember at the start of the article I acknowledged the fact that there are those who genuinely suffered and need our compassion. But when suffering is used to avoid accountability then it becomes an irritation.
But just to be kind to them, how do they manage the phenomenon?
Managing the Victim ComplexÂ
1. First Awareness is the first step to any form of psychological change and this is what we are here doing. We can’t change anything we aren’t aware of.
2. Acknowledge that what happened already happened,, and we have all suffered in the past. Past Suffering shouldn’t be used as an excuse to prevent you from growth for I believe you’re worth than this. You’re way beyond whining and complaining about what happened in childhood.
3. Avoid complaining about your situation, the world and others. You might be addicted to it and the brain as we know it will work hard to confirm your thoughts and stories as true call it Confirmation Bias.
4. Take responsibility and sometimes try to see if your behaviour contributed to something bad or wrong that happened instead of pushing blame to satan, the other partner or whoever..
5. Start making decisions from a point of agency not helplessness.
6. Take small steps towards building confidence for instance by taking actions or risks that are beyond your normal.