Definition of a Parent.
The primary definition draws us to One of the two persons from whom one is immediately biologically descended; a mother or father. [from 15th c.]
But also included in the definition is any person who acts as a parent in rearing a child wether a step-parent or an adoptive parent
The Parent Archetype in Psychology.
In psychology, The parent is seen as a source or origin.
The word stems from the latin verb ‘Pareo-ere’ which means ‘to bring forth’ or ‘to be present ‘ which is a present participle for the word ‘parens’.
In Jungian psychology, Carl Jung saw Parents as both an archetype ( primordial image the shows or expresses material from the collective unconscious) and an Imago (image of human object out of subjective experiences).
From the definition above we come forth two conclusions that;
1. The archetypal image was present and is present in all of us before even the subjective experience we had with our parents.
2. The Imago formed out of personal experiences with human object called Parent differ and is more subjective for instance; two kids raised by same parents might have different attitudes and feelings toward them. This explains why some kids are closer to a certain parent than others due to the differences in their inner pictures.
The Parent In Traditional society.
Parents are seen as objects to bear , discipline, train and initiate their kids into their culture and society.
Frustration of this happens when the parent fails to meet their expectation and duties for instance; Absent Parents (the dead beats), Neglecting and Abusive Parents.
The Parent Complex.
Back to our topic of the day since this was our main aim of being here.
The Parental Complex is a bundle of beliefs, Feelings, memories , expectations and desires we form out of our subjective interactions with our parents whether Biological or adoptive.
We had initially talked about the Father and Mother Complex, in both explaining how the individual parents affect their children lives even later in adulthood.
But here now we shall focus on how the interaction between the two assuming it’s relationship between Two parents; Father and Mother, Father and Step mother, Step-Father and mother, or adoptive Father and Adoptive Mother.
Parents are the first adults children interact with hence have a huge impact on their children’s lives. Their Attitude, The way they Interact, Communicate and even solve conflicts form a huge inpact on a kid’s life.
From the Parental Complex therefore we get three categories;
1. The Positive Parental Complex
2. The Ambivalent Parental Complex
3. The Negative Parental Complex.
All these contribute to the cognitive biases that kids use to form decisions and shape their perception about the world and adults.
Examples;
• In a home with Emotionally immature parents who struggled to regulate their emotions or stress that any conflict would see them slamming doors, screaming or calling each other names such as ‘idiot’ we find kids who introject their actions and would similarly later in life regress through identification by acting in simila manner when an isue occured.
• In some homes too we find two Parents- one explosive while the other was calm and more of a peace maker with no clear boundaries. In such environments kids grow up believing that love means being hurt or tolerating harmful behaviours. The kids grow up with no knowledge on how to set boundaries or stand up for themselves. Separation may occur in the family when the kids decide to gravitate towards the peacekeeping parent.
• In Homes where parents shamed or invalidated or ignored their kids emotions, thoughts or choices raise kids who are Persimmistic in nature. These kids raise adults who shy away from expressing their needs and might even lead to a pattern of overexplaining.
• We also find codependent parents who try to meet their needs and desires to get met through their children out of inability to meet them on their own might make kids betray their needs to make their parents happy.
For instance; A kid who wanted to be a writer but meets parents who forced him into a career so that he can have a successful life . The parents believe they’re doing what’s right for their kids but what they’re doing is leading kids astray from their own paths.
This is what Anna Freud termed as Projective Identification, Carl Jung talked about the unlived life of Parents as being a Major source of turmoil to their kids.
Here we also find definitions such as be a Good boy or Good girl even if you get insulted don’t utter a world just leave them. This kids hence grows up having no skills on how to set boundaries. But what the Parents are actually doing is to be seen and admired as good parents who raise obedient kids.
Obedient when take to extreme at the expense of our needs can be dangerous.
• Rebellious traits or behaviours tha are seen in Teenagers or young adults might have their roots in childhood. For instance; Extreme distrust in partners, Unwillingness to go into marriage and resistance to Parenthood.
• Responsibile parents who cooperate with each other and have proper conflict resolution skills have a positive effect on their kids.
In General, Parents have a huge impact on how their Kids form decisions, interact with others and expect. Boys tend to learn from the Father how to treat women while the women learn from the Mother how to treat their husbands. A positive complex has a positive effect, a negative complex will have a negative effect.
Managing a Negative Parental Complex.
While a positive complex is commendable, a negative complex might have a negative effect on their kids. We form negative beliefs about others, marriage or even ourselves.
To manage it;
1. Awareness – Awareness is the foundation of all psychological change. We can not change something that we’re not aware of. Being aware that the Parental interaction and dynamics has an effect on us till adult gives us the permission to explore and change.
2. Acknowledge that it happened. We can not change anything that we haven’t accepted. What you resist persists.
3. Look at the Experiences from a different len. Whe we were young, we saw our adults as angels with no flaws and unresolved traumas. The very thought that they were not perfec sounded appalling to us. We introjected their actions and voices. We were also emotional beings not rational (of course some adults still are) hence formed interpretations that might be odd to reality.
Now see the parents as kids who had their own unresolved issues, they were never taught how to regulate their emotions, communicate boundaries or give the love that they never received. Their mean actions and words had nothing to do with our identity but their own identity. Maybe you formed belief that “Im unworthy of love” when the real meaning was “They probably projecting on me their own unresolved shame” .
4. Forgive the Parent. Resentment and hatred makes the problem to persist. Forgive the parents for they had their own unresolved issues. They couldn’t give you the love that they themselves never received. Most parents believe they’re doing the best for their kids but there best can be worst.
5. Re parent the selves. Sometimes we were betrayed and now we betray ourselves, we were neglected now we neglect ourselves, our emotions and needs were dismissed now we dismiss them, we were invalidated now we invalidate ourselves. With a new len , we can peel away the beliefs, emotions and feelings we have toward ourselves and others in favour of authentic ones. We can also choose to disappoint our parents by being what they didn’t want us to be.